Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Episode 39
"Don't make me climb over this bar and beat you!" Cindy warned a complaining patron.
"Can't you see; I've got fourteen tables to wait on, a full bar and no one to help me and you want me to make more popcorn! Yeah, right!"
"O.k. I got it worked out. I just spoke to Charmaine and she's right in the middle of another T.V. news interview, but she said that they should 'wrap' in a few more minutes and then she'll run right over. Hmm, I wonder what she means; 'wrap?'"
Howard, the owner of Family T's on Marine Ave., and a V.I. regular, chimed in with the explanation.
"Wrap is an industry term, Trudy. It means finished or done. The director always yells, 'that's a wrap' when filming is done or at the end of the day."
Trudy looked over at Cindy then back to Howard.
"Oh. O.k. Thank you, Howard. That's good to know." Then, looking back to Cindy, she continued, "O.k., Cindy; I guess that's a 'wrap' for me, too. I've gotta get home and make David dinner."
MEANWHILE, ACROSS TOWN . . .
As the Mercedes limousine roared north on Pacific Coast Highway, Sky lay bound and gagged in the trunk (Mayhem had not enjoyed his joke).
He also couldn't help but notice that he was able to hear what was being said inside the car, and what most perplexed him was the frequent laughter . . . Michelle's laughter. "What on earth could she possibly be laughing about?" he wondered.
Inside the limo the laughter continued as Mayhem asked, "Another Van Gogh blueberry on the rocks, my dear?"
(As it turns out, Mayhem kept the limo stocked with various liquors, and one of them happened to be Van Gogh Blueberry Vodka; Michelle's absolute favorite).
"Oh, 'May'. I really shouldn't!" Michelle giggled as she held out her empty glass.
"Of course you should, my darling," Mayhem replied as he stroked her arm.
Taking her glass; he refilled it with vodka, but before he returned it to her he pointed out the window.
"Look! Doesn't that cloud formation look like a giant pair of walnuts with a '58 Buick rammed in between them?" he asked.
Michelle turned and looked out the window, but as she did; out of the corner of her eye she saw Mayhem open a capsule and sprinkle the powdered contents into her drink. She decided it would be safest to play along.
"Why, yes. You're absolutely right about the walnuts, but the Buick looks more like a '53 Skylark, if you ask me," she replied as she turned back toward him.
He seemed surpised that she would contradict him. Rolling down the window; he stuck his head out to get a better look, then he came back in and stared at her for a moment.
"Perhaps you're correct," he conceded. "Now, here, my darling. Let's have a toast," he said as he handed her back her drink.
"What shall we toast to, you devil?" Michelle asked as she took the tainted drink from him.
Mayhem thought for a moment and then announced: "We shall drink to all who've had their nuts run over by a Buick!"
TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR ANOTHER EXCITING EPISODE OF MY V.I.!
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Episode 38
It was that look that says, "I know we're in the back of a stranger's limo, but I can no longer deny the smoldering passion that is currently rising up inside the private compartment where my petulant passions are presently imprisoned!"
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Episode 37
(a soap opera)
"She's been troubled since she was little," Susan sighed as the paramedics placed Mary on a stretcher.
Wheeling her out to the waiting ambulance, Susan followed and continued, "I hope I did the right thing by calling you guys. When I found her passed out with that tube of glue in her nose I just didn't know what to do."
One of the EMTs assured her that she'd done the right thing.
"Where are you taking her?" she asked the driver.
"Emergency at Hoag Hospital."
Across the parking lot; Quagmire and Sky stood by the limousine while Trixie napped in the back of the car.
"Dude. Me thinks Miss Mary there's got it bad for the glue," Sky annouced to Quagmire.
Quagmire gave him a stern look.
"You're wrong, sir. Moo Moo only resorts to glue when her heart's broken; and it's routinely broken. And, it's not always glue. Sometimes it's gasoline. Sometimes it's nail polish remover or Liquid Paper. She's also been known to light her hair on fire; those are truly difficult days, to be sure. I've seen her shoplift, burn herself with cigarettes, pluck all of her eyebrows out and smash her thumbs with a hammer. Just last month, she exposed herself in front of a group of Korean tourists. I've never seen so many camera flashes."
"Flashes?!" Sky laughed.
Quagmire looked confused.
"Get it? Flashes? . . Mary flashed the Koreans and then they flashed their cameras back at her. Get it? Flashes?" Sky continued.
Quagmire, unamused, continued.
"In fairness, I must confess that she's been known to expose herself even when she's happy; but all the other of her self-destructive behaviors arise from great pain and sadness."
"Dude," Sky said as he put his arm around Quagmire's shoulders, "If I didn't know better I'd say someone's got it bad for Miss Moo Moo."
Quagmire hung his head and answered, "Perhaps you are correct. I would love to take her in my arms and protect her from all harm."
Sky massaged his shoulders and replied, "Dude. If I were you I'd steer way clear of this chick. It sounds like she's nothing but a bag of trouble!"
Quagmire abruptly pulled himself away and stood erect; and in a most dignified tone responded, "NO! You are wrong, sir. Moo Moo is not a, how you say, bag of trouble. No! She is a precious flower in need of the sunshine and the rain. She is a wounded animal crying in the wilderness; calling out for mercy from the pain she's been made to feel. She is a motherless child longing only for the tenderest touch."
Quagmire's homage to Mary was interrupted by loud moaning coming from across the parking lot. They looked over just in time to watch an incoherent Mary throw up all over one of the emergency techs as they loaded her into the ambulance.
Not missing a beat, Quagmire looked back to Sky and continued, "She is the most delicate and fine china which has been abused and used in the most common of ways. She is a jewel of great beauty that has been trampled underfoot. She is . . . "
"Alright, alright. I get it, I get it! You're crazy about her," Sky said, rolling his eyes.
Quagmire put his cupped hand up to his ear and asked, "Did you hear that?"
"Hear what?" Sky replied.
"Shhh!"
Quagmire walked to the driver's side door and opened it.
"Oh. It's my cellphone. It's beeping. I must have a message," he announced as he reached in and grabbed his phone off the dashboard.
"Whatever," Sky mumbled as he opened the back door of the limousine and climbed in next to Trixie who was still sleeping.
As he slipped his arm around her and pulled her close to him she awoke and smiled.
"Hey, sleepyhead," Sky whispered as he kissed her forehead.
"Hey, handsome," Trixie replied as she snuggled into his chest.
Outside, Quagmire listened to the angry, violent message that Mayhem had left on his phone.
"Dumbass," he mumbled as he pushed "7" to erase it and then, going to his contact list, he scrolled down to "Master" and pushed "Send."
With Haywire at the wheel, the Mercedes limousine carrying Mayhem was racing south along Pacific Coast Highway. In back, Mayhem was blasting "Born To Be Wild" and playing air guitar as Quagmire's call came through. With the music so loud he was unable to hear the phone ring.
As Mayhem's voicemail prompted Quagmire to leave a message, he left the following:
In back of the limousine, Sky and Trixie continued to make small talk.
"I had the most amazing dream!" Trixie squealed.
"Oh, yeah? What about?" Sky asked.
"I dreamed that you and I were married and celebrating our fiftieth wedding anniversary."
"FIFTIETH?" Sky asked.
"Yeah. Fifty years."
"Oh my gosh. We must've looked pretty old and disgusting!" Sky added.
Trixie laughed.
"No, not really. Actually, we both looked pretty good!"
TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR ANOTHER EXCITING EPISODE OF MY V.I.!
P.S. Yesterday; Tuesday, July 28th was actually Mary Haley's birthday (in real life!). HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MARY!!!
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Episode 36
(a soap opera)
.
.
.
Mayhem set out to reclaim that which he considered his.
"Bring around the silver Pullman . . NOW! NOW!! Do it NOW!" Mayhem commanded.
As the insane simpleton pulled the car around, Mayhem climbed in back; took out his cellphone and dialed Quagmire's number.
Outraged at his inability to reach him, he left the following message:
"This is your master speaking! I've just received word that Mary has not kept to our original plan. (Blood-curdling scream) I hold you completely responsible and do you know what that means? It means that right after I bludgeon sweet little Mary to death I will turn my wrath upon you! (More screams) And when the two of you are reduced to mushy, pulp-like flesh, bone and organs, I will gleefully feed what's left of you to the jackals! (More screams) Call me, I'm beside myself with worry."
All the fury of hell was unleashed as the limousine roared away from the hillside mansion and descended on the unsuspecting world below.
TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR ANOTHER EXCITING EPISODE OF MY V.I.!
Friday, July 17, 2009
Episode 35
(a soap opera)
Meanwhile, across town and high above the city, Mayhem sat in his obnoxiously orange, mid-century modern kitchen eating a bowl of blood sausage and calve's liver as a cellphone sitting on the counter began to ring.
Startled, he set down the bowl, crossed over to the counter and looked at the caller I.D. Seeing that the call was from the Village Inn he let it go to voicemail. Once the phone signaled, he picked it up and retrieved the following message:
"Hey, Ken. It's Cindy from the V.I. Hi honey . . just calling to see if everything's o.k. with you. Trudy and I were just a little worried since we hadn't heard from you and, to tell you the truth, we were a little surpised that you gave your shift away to Mary. I mean . . . well, just because we thought you were a little concerned about finances right now. But . . anyway. Hope everythings alright and, oh . . by the way, Mary's late. In fact Trudy's trying to get a hold of her right now. That's not like her, either. Hope she's o.k. too. Alright, I'll talk to you soon. Love you!"
Mayhem became enraged and threw the phone across the room.
Meanwhile, back in Costa Mesa; Mary insisted that their first stop be her friend's shop, Blue Springs Home.
When Sky asked her what she was doing, her response was, "I just love to squeeze pretty, fluffy things."
Sky laughed and put his arm around her waist; pulling her tightly against himself.
The clumsy silence was finally broken when Susan asked, "So, how do you two know Mary?"
Sky and Trixie both continued riffling through the pillows, and without looking away, Trixie replied, "Oh, we don't really know Mary. We just met her a few minutes ago up the street in the liquor store parking lot."
Susan was mortified. She'd always been tolerant of Mary's unconventional ways but this was just too much. She began to wonder how she could gracefully get Mary and her new-found "friends" out of her shop.
"I'll be right back," she announced.
Sky and Trixie did not respond as Susan headed to the back of the store to have a word with Mary.
Approaching the restroom, she noticed the door was open. As she got closer she called softly, "Mary."
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Episode 34
"What A-rab wouldn't want to ride in one of these?" Mary asked.