Episode 33

MY V.I.
(a soap opera)



Quagmire pulled the limousine over the sidewalk and off the curb. As he did, he felt something wasn't quite right with the Mercedes.

Although advanced in age, his instinctive sense of automobiles had never waned.

As they drove away from the park, Mary called out, "Quagmire - we still have some time so head over to 17th Street. I want to stop by my favorite shop."

Mary's favorite shop happened to be in Costa Mesa at 369 E. 17th St. It was called Blue Springs Home.

Years before, Mary had been sent away to reform school in Blue Springs, Alabama. When she was just twelve years old, it was at that very school, The Margery Sage School for Nervous, Naughty & just plain Nasty Girls, that she'd first met Susan, the girl who would one day grow up to be the owner of Blue Springs Home.

Susan had grown up in Blue Springs and often traveled to the Margery Sage School with her church choir to sing for the wayward girls. It was during one of those visits that Susan first met and took pity upon young Mary, and a friendship was formed that would continue for the next thirty years.

As the limousine made its way through Newport Heights, Quagire became more certain that there was a problem and as he turned from Santa Ana Avenue onto 17th Street the problem became apparent. Even Mary could feel it.

"Hey, Quagmire. What the heck's wrong with the car?"

"I believe we have a flat tire, Moo Moo," he replied.

"Oh crap! Are you kidding?"

Quagmire did not answer, but slowly maneuvered the vehicle off the street and into the parking lot of Pancakes R Us.

Mary put down her window and stuck her head out of the car.

"Pancakes R Us? What happened to ihop?" she asked.

Again, he didn't answer but brought the car to a stop and got out to check the tire.

"Is it flat?" Mary called out.

Staring at the completely deflated left rear tire, he answered, "Yep. Flat as a pancake."

Mary plopped down in the back seat; folded her arms and began to pout.

"Great! This is just great!" she whined.

Quagmire walked over and stuck his head in her open window.

"You just relax, little missy. Uncle Quagmire will have it fixed in no time."

With that, he walked around to the trunk and opened it. He removed the jack and the spare tire about the same time that Sky and Trixie Louise came roaring into the Bay Crest Liquor parking lot next door. With the radio blarring, "I Will Survive," Trixie sat in the car while Sky jumped out to buy a pack of cigarettes.

Mary stuck her head out of the car again and asked Quagmire, "Hey, where's that music coming from?"

He pointed across the parking lot to Michelle's Nissan Sentra with Trixie sitting inside.

Mary opened the back door of the car and announced, "Oh my god! I love that song . . . I will survive, hey hey, I will survive!" she began to sing as she stepped out; and walking toward the Sentra, she called out, "Hey . . . excuse me, Miss!"

Trixie was lucky to hear her calling over the hideously loud music and the moment that was about to happen would prove to be nothing short of magical. Wacky Trixie would soon meet nutty Mary and nothing would ever be the same.

TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR ANOTHER EXCITING EPISODE OF MY V.I.!

P.S. Although this story is fiction - Blue Springs Home is not. Please stop by sometime and say 'hi' to my dear friend, Susan Ellison, the proprietor. Also, checkout their website: www.bluespringshome.com

MESSAGE FROM THE AUTHOR

I just wanted to take a moment to thank everyone who faithfully reads MY V.I. (a soap opera).

I also want to thank Brianna Bailey (intrepid Daily Pilot reporter) who's article about my blog helped put it on the map.

I've been thinking lately about the fact that many of you may have no idea that the original story called MY V.I. began on a Caringbridge website (Personalized websites that connect loved ones during critical illness, treatment and recovery) which was set up by Trudy Hayes, beloved V.I. book-keeper (and so much more!) for her equally beloved husband, David, while he was in the hospital approximately a year and a half ago.

After David had to go and get well! - a few patrons and employees of the V.I. suggested that I continue writing the fictional, episodic story about the adventures (and misadventures) of various (real and fictional) V.I. characters. The result of that suggestion is the blog you are currently reading.

Another purpose of this message is to let those of you who might have no other way of knowing the "inside story" behind some of these episodes 'in' on why some of what I write about the V.I. is funny, ironic or matters at all.

First of all: Cindy, Michelle, Trudy, Chrystal, Spencer, Fermin and Mary Haley are all real people and employees of the Village Inn. And the 'Ken' I refer to occasionally is none other than your's truly.

I mention actual patrons from time to time; such as: Ryan, Bucky, Corona Bob and Barbara (the dance nazi). And, entire episodes have been written (with his permission) about Sky Bingham who is an actual person and patron.

Although the situations that I write these people into are completely fictional; sometimes there is a thread of truth or irony running through the story lines.

Here is a run down (12 episodes) of inside information that may help readers understand why something might be funny, ironic or matter at all:

Episode 1

A. The only thing harder to talk over than a loud band at the V.I. is the even louder dishwashing machine!

B. A little inside joke between Michelle and I: "This is a weird night!" To which the other replies, "They're all weird!"

C. At the time this episode was written, Trudy was in the process of changing the music schedule at the V.I. and booking new bands. Some of them we had never heard play until the night they performed in the lounge which, occasionally, lead to a few surprises (and, occasionally, trouble).

D. Every now and then, one of these new bands turned out to be way too loud and met with the unbridled disapproval of our host of regulars.

E. Peta & the Tree Huggers are completely fictional (I hope).

Episode 2

A. Ryan, beloved regular, makes an appearance.

B. The whole 'braid' thing relates to the fact that Michelle often wears her long red hair in braids.

Episode 3

A. Charmaine; who is completely fictional, is introduced.

Episode 4

A. This episode is complete fiction about Charmaine.

Episode 5

A. The V.I. does offer 'bottomless champagne' for $7.00 during Sunday Brunch.

B. Cindy has often been heard saying, "I can't deal with this!"

Episode 6

A. Simza, the crazy Gypsy, is introduced and is fictional.

B. The reason Cindy says she's gonna "kill Chrystal" after Spencer says he has an order for Bahama Mamas and Blue Hawaiians is because Chrystal had actually re-worked the drink menu days before this was written and she decided to randomly throw on these two rather labor intensive cocktails for fun (much to the chagrin of the bartenders).

Episode 7

A. Sky Bingham (actual person & patron) is written into the drama in a very fictional way.

Episode 8

A. Burning the popcorn is mentioned because, no matter how hard we try, we always manage to burn the popcorn!

B. Bilge (as in bilge pump) Donahue; a completely fictional character, is introduced.

C. Bucky; a beloved regular, is mentioned.

Episode 9

A. I describe Cindy as a "nurturing, caring, mother hen" because, well - she is!

Episode 10

A. Complete fiction with another mention of Bucky (V.I. patron).

Episode 11

A. This short episode is complete and utter nonsense (fiction) about Charmaine.

Episode 12

A. This is the episode that drew the attention of Brianna Bailey, reporter for the Daily Pilot. The reason was my use of the then 'hot' topic of underground utilities on the Island.

B. Olga Renderklott is introduced and is completely fictional. I had also used her in the original MY V.I. story on the Caringbridge site.

O.k. I won't take you through all 32 episodes today, but thought you might enjoy a little insider information regarding MY V.I. (a soap opera).

Also, I've included a photograph (above) of myself that makes me appear far more dark, mysterious and introspective than I really am. More fiction!

thanks again for reading! ken

Episode 32

MY V.I
(a soap opera)



Sky was both excited and anxious as he sat in Michelle's living room waiting for Trixie to emerge from the bedroom dressed for their big night out.


Trixie called out, "Close your eyes, darling!"

"My eyes are closed, love bunny," Sky sang back.

Trixie Louise slunk into the living room dressed in a get up that could only be described as: tawdry, tasteless, and tacky.


"Keep 'em closed, honey," she said as she reclined on blanket-draped chair.

With her legs sticking straight up in the air; she whispered, "O.k. Open your eyes."

Sky opened his eyes and his smile slipped away.

"Wow," he mumbled.

"What do you think, sweetie?" Trixie asked.

Sky knew he had to choose his words wisely.

"Don't you think you might get a little chilly dressed like that?"

Her smile turned into a pout.

"You don't like it," she whined.

"No . . . it's not that I don't like it, sweetheart. It's just that it's . . . it's . . "

"Too sexy?" Trixie asked.

Sky smiled and held up his thumb and index finger, "Maybe just a little."

With that, Trixie swung her legs around and placed her feet on the ground. Standing up she announced, "Not a problem. I've got just the outfit."

"That's a girl." Sky said as she vanished back into the bedroom.

Spotting a large mirror across the room - Sky walked over to inspect his costume. Noticing how wrinkled his stolen sheets had become he called to Trixie, "Hey, Trix!"

Trixie poked her head out the bedroom door, "Yes, dear."

"Hey, have you got an iron? I need to press my outfit."

"Sure, honey. Look in the hall closet. There's an iron and an ironing board in there."

Sky walked down the hall and retrieved the iron and the ironing board and commenced pressing his sheets.

It wasn't long before the whole routine began again:

"O.k., darling. Close your eyes!" Trixie called out.

"O.k. My eyes are closed; come on out."

There was a flurry of rustling fabric and an occasional "damn it" as Trixie struggled to make her way back into the living room. Sky couldn't help but peek.

Finally, she announced, "O.k. You can look now."







Sky was speechless. He looked like a little boy as he tilted his head back and forth and stared in shock and awe.

"Well! What do you think?" Trixie asked. "It's not too sexy, right?"

Once again, Sky knew that it was essential to choose his words wisely.

"Hmm . . well . . . No, it's not too sexy. In fact, sex is the last thing that comes to mind. I'm sort of reminded of Christmas. Actually . . . . . you look like a Christmas tree!"

Trixie stomped her feet and ran back into the bedroom.

"You hate it. It's obvious that I no long appeal to you!" she screamed as she slammed the door.

Sky dropped the iron and ran to the locked bedroom door.

Knocking; he beseeched her, "Sweetheart! Don't be like that. You look beautiful but, it's just not quite what I had in mind for you."

"GO AWAY!" she yelled back.

"Now, honey. Listen; what I was hoping for was a more sophisticated look since Pierce Street is such a swanky place. And . . . I really like when you wear the big hair - you know - like you used to."

There was a long moment of silence and then . . .

"You really like my hair big like I like it?" Trixie asked from behind the door.

"Of course I do," Sky answered. "That's the Trixie I fell in love with."

He could tell she was crying as she sniffled and blew her nose.

"So . . . Trix?" he said.

"Yeah," she responded.

"You think you can do that. I mean, sophisticated with big hair?"

She hesitated for a moment and then answered, "O.k. . . . Yeah, I can do it. Go back in the living room and wait for me. I'll be out in a minute."

Sky smiled and answered, "That's my girl. Now don't be long."

Sky walked back out to the living room as Trixie sat down on the edge of the bed and began to think.







"So . . . he wants a sophisticated look with big hair . . . hmm, let's see what we can do."

Sky paced back and forth for a while and then knocked on the bedroom door.

"Hey, sweethheart."

It took a moment before she answered from behind the door.

"Almost done dear," she called back.

"Oh no . . take your time. I was just wondering if you wanted to grab dinner before we hit the dance floor."

"Sounds great. I'm famished," Trixie replied.

"O.k. So what sounds good - you pick."

Trixie thought for a moment then answered, "You know, I have no idea why, but lately I've been craving Mimi's Cafe. Weird, huh?"

"That's not weird at all - I love Mimi's."

"Perfect." she said, "Now go back into the living room and close your eyes - I'm ready."

Once again Sky walked back into the living room and sat on the sofa.

"O.k.!" he said, "I've got my eyes closed. Come on out, good looking."

He could hear the bedroom door open and the gentle sound of her approaching footsteps. Trixie stood in the doorway that lead into the living room and struck a dramatic pose.

In a low, soft voice she whispered, "Get a load'a this, lover."

Slowly, Sky opened his eyes and raised his lowered head. As he cast his eyes upon her his breath was taken away . . . .

Trixie winked at him and smiled.

"You like?"

Sky could barely speak but managed to utter, "Oh yes . . . I like very much."

TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR ANOTHER EXCITING EPISODE OF MY V.I.!

Episode 31

MY V.I.
(a soap opera)




Mary directed Quagmire to make a left turn off of Pacific Coast Highway onto Riverside Drive in Newport Beach.

"Take me to that park, Quagmire. You know the one - it's beyond the post office and it looks out over the bay. We're way too early so let's kill some time."

"Yes, Moo Moo," Quagmire replied.

He called her Moo Moo for no particular reason other than he liked it and she never objected. As they approached the park he hopped the curb and pulled the sanguine behemoth onto the grass.

"This is perfect; stop right here," Mary called out.

Quagmire stopped the car and turned off the engine.

"I've got an idea." Mary squealed as she unstrapped the Berretta pistol from her thigh. Opening her purse, she pulled out a long black silencer and attached it to the end of the gun. She rolled down the rear passenger side window and scanned the vast green lawn and surrounding scrubbery.

"DIE VERMIN!" she yelled as she pointed the gun out the window and fired four shots; killing two ground squirrels.

"Ah yes . . . the thrill of the hunt," she sighed to Quagmire. "Too bad I'm vegetarian. Why don't you take those home to your wife?"

Quagmire retrieved a plastic bag from the glove box and got out of the car to collect the dead rodents. He would take them home to his wife, as he always did. She was an elderly shut-in and a passionate amateur taxidermist.

"Well, that was fun," Mary mumbled to herself and then leaned out the window and yelled to Quagmire, "Come on! Get the lead out, shake a leg, get a move on - let's go!"

Quagmire bagged the squirrels and scurried back to the limousine.

Meanwhile, over in Costa Mesa; Trixie Louise and Sky were racing toward Michelle's apartment - laughing and singing to the radio.

Sky reached over and turned the volume down.

"Hey! What're you doing?" Trixie asked.

"Well, I just wanted to decide on someplace to go. You want to go dancing, right?"

"Absolutely! I was made for dancing."

"O.k. So, why don't we stop by your place and you change into the best dress you've got 'cause I'm gonna take you to the fanciest dance place in town." Sky replied.

"The fanciest place in town?" Trixie swooned.

"Of course! Only the best for my sugar-puss."

"Oh, that sounds dreamy! What's it called?" Trixie asked.

"Well. Have you ever heard of Pierce Street Annex?"


TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR ANOTHER EXCITING EPISODE OF MY V.I.!

Episode 30

MY V.I.

(a soap opera)

One of Mary Haley's favorite parts about belonging to Mayhem was the fact that she had access to his collection of classic Mercedes 600 Pullman Limousines.

Today, she was in a "red" mood and

so she called down to have the driver pull around the colossal, crimson cruiser.

The driver, known only as Uncle Quagmire, pulled up to the front of the house and opened the back door to allow Mary access to the vintage "lap" of German luxury.

She sauntered out the front door, shamelessly swinging her latest gift from Mayhem - a Valentino Rose Vertigo bag. Mary felt that it showed he truly loved her although, deep down, she suspected it might be a breathtaking knock-off.

She was uncharacteristically haughty as she sailed past the driver, and without the slightest eye contact mumbled, "Thank you, Quagmire."

Her door was shut and Quagmire took his seat behind the wheel and fired-up the massive engine. They were on their way.

Back on the Island; Brianna Bailey was saying her goodbyes to Charmaine following their interview for the Daily Pilot.

"Thanks again, Charmaine. I'll e-mail you and let you know when the story will run," Brianna said as she and her photographer stepped out of the V.I. and onto the sidewalk.

"Well, thank you, Brianna. I'm really looking forward to reading it," Charmaine returned.

Brianna and the photographer began walking down the sidewalk toward their cars.

"She's a very nice young lady," Brianna said.

"Yeah, well I find it hard to believe that she could find her way out of a paperbag - she seems dumb as a box of rocks, to me," the photographer replied.

Brianna playfully slapped his arm as they stepped into the crosswalk.

"That's not very nice!"

They were both laughing as they reached the middle of the crosswalk. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, came a four-door Nissan Sentra with the radio blaring "It's Raining Men," which nearly ran them over as it roared past.

"Are you kidding me!?" the photographer yelled as he pushed Brianna out of the way.

"Get the license plate number!" Brianna called out.

Unfortunately, they were only able to give the police the following description:

"Victims stated that late model, four-door Japanese car with 'crazy' red-headed female driver and middle eastern looking man wearing Arab garb nearly ran them over in crosswalk at Marine and Park."

TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR ANOTHER EXCITING EPISODE OF MY V.I.!

Episode 29

MY V.I.
(a soap opera)




Wednesday afternoon found Charmaine and Cindy sitting in the office of the Village Inn chatting about all the amazing events that had taken place over the past couple of days.

Charmaine had become quite the celebrity and Brianna Bailey, a reporter for the Daily Pilot, had contacted the V.I. requesting an interview with her about how she had recognized and reported to America's Most Wanted one of their most sought after fugitives.

"So what time is this reporter supposed to be here?" Cindy asked.

"Well, I told her that we didn't open until 3:00 p.m. and I'm a little early," Charmaine replied.

While the girls waited in the office, a peculiar figure passed by out front and took notice of the fact that the V.I. door was propped open. It was Sky Bingham dressed as an Arab Sheik.


After he'd fled the V.I. the day before to avoid the police, he made his way down to the laundromat on Agate and swiped a bunch of sheets out of a dryer which he used to improvise a disguise but, unfortunately, not before he used them to wrap up in as he spent the night on the beach. The now wrinkled and dirty sheets rendered him a rather "Shabby Sheik."

Sky knew that Cindy worked on Wednesday and was thrilled to find the V.I. door ajar before 3:00. He quietly opened the door and looked inside. There was no one behind the bar so he went in and headed for the double kitchen doors that lead to the office.

As he approached the kitchen doors he heard two voices in back and stopped in his tracks to listen.

"I've been thinking about what you told me about Michelle and Trixie Louise," Charmaine said.

"Yeah, well. What ever you do - don't repeat that. You, me, Michelle and Trudy are the only ones who know the truth about it," Cindy replied.

Sky was intrigued by what he heard and moved closer to eavesdrop on their conversation.

"Oh - I wouldn't breathe a word of it. But what fascinates me about it is that she only turns into this Trixie character when she hits her head - right?" Charmaine asked.

"Yeah. Everytime she's become this other personality. . . Trixie, it's after she's bumped her head. Like I told you: first it was on the ship and a couple of times it has happened when she was drunk and fell and this last time, I'm guessing, was caused by that fight on Saturday. Weird, huh?"

"You're not kidding. That's the strangest story ever."

Sky had heard all he needed to hear and so he slipped out of the V.I. and made his way down Marine Ave. to the South Bayfront. Taking a seat on a bench facing the bay, he pulled out his cellphone and placed a call.

"Hey, Michelle - Sky. How's it going?"

Michelle said she was fine and Sky continued.

"I'm in a really tough spot right now and I was wondering if you could come by here for a minute. I have something very, very important to tell you."

Michelle asked him what it was but he insisted that he had to tell her face to face.

"I'm dressed as an Arab, if you can believe that, and I'm sitting on the bench at the end of Marine Ave. facing the South Bayfront. Will you please come . . . quickly? Please!"

Michelle reluctantly agreed to come right over.

Meanwhile, across town and high above the city; Mary Haley was putting the finishing touches on her makeup and wedging her ample bosom into her black tube top as Mayhem barged into the room and came up behind her.

He wrapped his arms tightly around her and nibbled on her earlobe. His hot breath reeked of expensive scotch and flamin' hot Cheetos as he whispered in her ear.

"Does Daddy's little naughty-puss have everything he gave her to take to work?"

Mary spun around in his arms and planted a passionate kiss on his angry lips.

"I've got the Beretta strapped to my thigh and the camera's in my shoe, baby," she replied.

Putting his hands ever so gently around her neck he asked, "An where's the stick of dynamite?"

Pushing his hands away, she smiled and said, "Oh, I've got it. Let's just say it's safe and out of sight."

Grabbing her by the waist; he pulled her tightly against himself.

"I ought to dismember you but I just don't know what I'd do without you. Go to pieces, I suppose."

He thought for a second and then threw his head back and laughed maniacally.

"Get it? Dismember you . . . go to pieces!"

As he continued laughing, Mary found his laughter infectious and soon she was laughing as hard as he.

Back on the Island; Sky spotted Michelle's car as she parked on Marine Ave. Running up along the passenger side he knocked on the window and scared the daylights out of her.

Rolling down the window she said, "Oh my god, Sky. You scared the crap out of me. What's with the crazy get up anyway?"

Sky got in the car and closed the door.

"It's my disguise," he informed her.

"Dude - you look like Osama bin Laden," she replied. "Now what's so urgent that I had to drive all the way over here on my day off, for god's sake."

Sky didn't say anything and became visably nervous as he began to look around the car.

"Dude, what the heck's wrong with you?" Michelle asked.

Scattered across the backseat of her car were several books and one with a blue and bright orange cover caught his attention and he grabbed it.

Pointing past Michelle and out her driver's side window he said, "Hey, isn't that Trudy?"

Michelle turned and looked and when she did Sky smacked the back of her head with the book.

She spun around immediately.

"What the hell?" she yelled.

When he realized that it hadn't worked he began swinging the book at her, and in an effort to avoid getting hit, Michelle threw her head back, and when she did she bumped it hard against the driver's side window.

The noise of her head hitting the window so startled Sky that he stopped swinging but he was delighted as he watched a dazed and confused Trixie Louise emerge before his eyes.

"Hank! Baby!" Trixie yelled. "I feel like dancing!" she squealed as she twisted the rear-view mirror down and took a look at herself. "Oh my god! What happened to my hair?!"

TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR ANOTHER EXCITING EPISODE OF MY V.I.!

Episode 28

MY V.I.
(a soap opera)

"Oh my god!" Cindy screamed as she ran from behind the bar.

Trudy was just getting off the phone as Cindy bounded into the office and shoved her cellphone into Trudy's face.

"What's this?" Trudy asked.

"Read it," Cindy replied. "You're not going to believe it!"

Trudy took the cellphone and read the text message that Cindy was referring to:

"Cindy. . sorry 4 freakn out. Found out hickies were from corona bob!!!! Call u later - michelle"

"Oh, that's disgusting!" Trudy yelled.

"No wonder she was going crazy and had to leave," Cindy added.

"Yeah and no wonder Corona Bob was laying in the street!"

"I know; poor Bob. I kinda feel sorry for him," Cindy sighed.

"Poor Bob?! What about poor Michelle?" Trudy shot back.

"You're right," Cindy agreed.

Cindy took her phone back and was about to leave the office when Trudy said, "Oh, Cindy. I just got the weirdest phone call from Mary."

"Mary? Mary, Mary?" Cindy asked.

"Yes. Mary Haley."

"What's so weird about that?" Cindy asked.

"Well. Didn't you say that Ken was having money problems?"

"Well, I thought Ken might be having financial problems because Ryan said he saw him working on 17th St. in one of those cellphone costumes - you know - waving to people driving by. Why?"

"Well. Mary said that Ken didn't feel like working his shift Wednesday night and she was going to cover it for him. That's just not like him."

"That is kinda strange. He never just doesn't work his shifts and if he's having money trouble it really doesn't make any sense."

Meanwhile - across town and high above the city; Mayhem sat behind an enormous desk in his sumptuous office. With a panaramic view through the window behind him, he was on the phone and engaged in a passionate conversation.

"Don't you worry about a thing. I've got a plan that will bring about the revenge you've so desparately sought for so many years."

Mayhem swiveled around in his chair and looked out the huge glass wall of his office through which he could see the swimming pool and a stunning view of the city below. He stared at the beautiful young woman sunning herself on a lounge chair; her perfect, bronzed body glistening in the afternoon sun.

"Yes, I've found the perfect person," he continued, "and she's now my love zombie."

As he turned his chair back to the desk - he laughed, thunderously.

"Oh, it was easy. A couple of ruffies, a strict macrobiotic diet along with a rigorous, daily regimen of erotic pilates and I had her eating out of my hand. Not to mention the fact that she totally digs me."

His diabolical laughter reverberated throughout the house but went unnoticed by Mary Haley as she lay by the pool - his unwitting love zombie!

TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR ANOTHER EXCITING EPISODE OF MY V.I.!