Episode 35

MY V.I.
(a soap opera)

The V.I. bar was populated by the usual handful of regulars and tended by an increasingly worried Cindy.

"Hey, Jim - what time do you have?" she asked one of the locals at the bar.

Jim Ferguson, a long-time island resident, had stopped in the V.I. as he walked back home from the post office. He looked at his watch and replied, "Ah . . let's see - it's 5:45."

Cindy was surprised that it was so late.

"Thanks, Jim. Another vodka cranberry?"

"No, thanks. I just wanted to stop by and say hello. I better get home."

As she cashed out Jim's tab she couldn't help but worry. Mary was supposed to be in at 5:00 to cover Ken's shift and, on top of that, she had not been able to reach Ken to ask why he gave his shift away in the first place. Her intuition told her something was very wrong.

After checking on everyone at the bar she slipped in back to speak with Trudy who was working late.

"Hey, Trudy. Did you ever get a chance to talk to Ken about why he gave his shift away?'

Looking up from her computer she responded, "I completely forgot. I meant to give him a call this morning."

"Well, it just worries me and, also, Mary was supposed to be here forty-five minutes ago."

Trudy twisted her watch on her wrist and checked the time.

"Oh crap. I better give her a call too. This isn't like her."

"I know," Cindy replied. "How 'bout you call Mary and I'll call Ken."

"Perfect."

With that, they each picked up a phone and placed their respective calls.

Meanwhile, across town and high above the city, Mayhem sat in his obnoxiously orange, mid-century modern kitchen eating a bowl of blood sausage and calve's liver as a cellphone sitting on the counter began to ring.

Startled, he set down the bowl, crossed over to the counter and looked at the caller I.D. Seeing that the call was from the Village Inn he let it go to voicemail. Once the phone signaled, he picked it up and retrieved the following message:

"Hey, Ken. It's Cindy from the V.I. Hi honey . . just calling to see if everything's o.k. with you. Trudy and I were just a little worried since we hadn't heard from you and, to tell you the truth, we were a little surpised that you gave your shift away to Mary. I mean . . . well, just because we thought you were a little concerned about finances right now. But . . anyway. Hope everythings alright and, oh . . by the way, Mary's late. In fact Trudy's trying to get a hold of her right now. That's not like her, either. Hope she's o.k. too. Alright, I'll talk to you soon. Love you!"

Mayhem became enraged and threw the phone across the room.

Meanwhile, back in Costa Mesa; Mary insisted that their first stop be her friend's shop, Blue Springs Home.

As Quagmire pulled into the parking lot, Mary filled Trixie and Sky in on the reason for stopping there.

"This is one of the most beautiful shops in the whole world and it's owned by my dearest friend in the world, Susan. You guys are going to love her - we've known each other for years!"

Susan Ellison: elegant, lovely, refined and gracious; was restocking linens when she caught a glimpse of this peculiar trio heading for the door of her shop.

"What on earth . . .?" she mumbled to herself. "Is the circus in town?"

The first to enter was Trixie in her pink, frilly, full-length evening dress and huge helmet-like hairdo; followed by Sky in his Arab get-up.

Struggling to keep a straight face - Susan approached the two of them.

"Good afternoon, how are you?" she asked.

"I'm fine," Trixie answered as she looked around at the merchandise.

"Nice joint ya got here," Sky added as he scanned the shop and chomped on a Slim Jim.

"Why, thank you. Anything in particular you're looking for?" Susan asked.

"Yeah. I'm lookin' for dinner and a place to go dancing," Sky said sarcastically.

Trixie elbowed him and laughed.

"Don't listen to him. "We're here with Mary."

Susan looked puzzled.

"Mary?" she asked.

"Yeah, Mary," Trixied replied as she turned and pointed toward the door.

At that very moment Mary bounded through the door of the shop.

"SUSAN!" she yelled as she ran to her - arms outstretched.

Susan smiled a genuine smile as she hugged her old friend. She was always happy to see Mary and had been worried recently since she hadn't heard from her in quite some time, but having Mary show up unannounced at her place of business was always a little disconcerting.

After releasing Susan from from an awkwardly long embrace, Mary twirled around several times and proclaimed, "Oh my god! I'm loving what you've done with the shop!"

Susan laughed, nervously, and thanked her, but couldn't help noticing that Mary seemed more hyper and animated than she ever had before. It was like a scene out of a Fellini film, Susan thought, as she watched the three of them.

Trixie stood in front of a rack of expensive pillows; pulling one after another down - squeezing and then smelling each one before putting them back.

When Sky asked her what she was doing, her response was, "I just love to squeeze pretty, fluffy things."

Sky laughed and put his arm around her waist; pulling her tightly against himself.

"So do I, baby," he whispered in her ear. "That's my girl and that's why I love her," he said as he looked at Susan and winked. "But who's your main squeeze?" he asked as he looked back at Trixie.

Unimpressed, she hauled off and smacked him in the face with a Shabby Chic kidney pillow before barking, "Back off, Romeo!"

Susan stared in disbelief then turned to Mary.

"Uh . . Mary . . . dear. You haven't introduced me to your friends."

Mary stopped and looked a bit confused.

"I didn't?"

"No, you didn't."

With that, Trixie put back the most recent pillow she'd been molesting; walked over and extended her hand to Susan.

"Hey, Susie! I'm Trixie."

Susan shook her hand.

"Well, it's certainly a pleasure, Trixie, but I prefer Susan."

"Whatever," Trixie said as she turned and walked back over to the rack of pillows. "Loverboy here's name is Hank," she added as she pointed at Sky.

Sky walked over to Susan. He placed the Slim Jim he was carrying in his mouth and then extended his greasy right hand.

"Nice to know ya," he said as they shook hands.

Mary walked over and apologized.

"I'm so sorry I forgot to introduce you guys," she said and then proceeded to cross her legs, bounce up and down and announce, "Susan, I've gotta go potty."

Susan laughed and pointed toward the back of the store.

"Of course, go - You know where it is."

Mary scurried away leaving Susan alone with the Saudi reject and his "throwback to the sixties" girlfriend. And, as if that wasn't bad enough; Susan was horrified as she watched Sky join Trixie at the pillow rack and begin pawing through her assortment of pillows with his greasy, Slim Jim hands.

The clumsy silence was finally broken when Susan asked, "So, how do you two know Mary?"

Sky and Trixie both continued riffling through the pillows, and without looking away, Trixie replied, "Oh, we don't really know Mary. We just met her a few minutes ago up the street in the liquor store parking lot."

Susan was mortified. She'd always been tolerant of Mary's unconventional ways but this was just too much. She began to wonder how she could gracefully get Mary and her new-found "friends" out of her shop.

"I'll be right back," she announced.

Sky and Trixie did not respond as Susan headed to the back of the store to have a word with Mary.

Approaching the restroom, she noticed the door was open. As she got closer she called softly, "Mary."

Suddenly, a tube of glue came out of the bathroom, sliding across the floor, followed by a dazed and disoriented Mary. Without even acknowledging Susan's presence, she got down and crawled across the floor in an effort to retrieve the intoxicant.

Susan turned in horror and headed back into the shop only to find the other two sprawled out across a display bed covered in beautiful linens, wallowing and writhing in passion.

Thankfully, they were both completely clothed.

TUNE NEXT TIME FOR ANOTHER EXCITING EPISODE OF MY V.I.!