Episode 37

MY V.I.
(a soap opera)




"She's been troubled since she was little," Susan sighed as the paramedics placed Mary on a stretcher.


Wheeling her out to the waiting ambulance, Susan followed and continued, "I hope I did the right thing by calling you guys. When I found her passed out with that tube of glue in her nose I just didn't know what to do."


One of the EMTs assured her that she'd done the right thing.


"Where are you taking her?" she asked the driver.


"Emergency at Hoag Hospital."


Across the parking lot; Quagmire and Sky stood by the limousine while Trixie napped in the back of the car.


"Dude. Me thinks Miss Mary there's got it bad for the glue," Sky annouced to Quagmire.


Quagmire gave him a stern look.


"You're wrong, sir. Moo Moo only resorts to glue when her heart's broken; and it's routinely broken. And, it's not always glue. Sometimes it's gasoline. Sometimes it's nail polish remover or Liquid Paper. She's also been known to light her hair on fire; those are truly difficult days, to be sure. I've seen her shoplift, burn herself with cigarettes, pluck all of her eyebrows out and smash her thumbs with a hammer. Just last month, she exposed herself in front of a group of Korean tourists. I've never seen so many camera flashes."


"Flashes?!" Sky laughed.


Quagmire looked confused.


"Get it? Flashes? . . Mary flashed the Koreans and then they flashed their cameras back at her. Get it? Flashes?" Sky continued.


Quagmire, unamused, continued.


"In fairness, I must confess that she's been known to expose herself even when she's happy; but all the other of her self-destructive behaviors arise from great pain and sadness."


"Dude," Sky said as he put his arm around Quagmire's shoulders, "If I didn't know better I'd say someone's got it bad for Miss Moo Moo."


Quagmire hung his head and answered, "Perhaps you are correct. I would love to take her in my arms and protect her from all harm."


Sky massaged his shoulders and replied, "Dude. If I were you I'd steer way clear of this chick. It sounds like she's nothing but a bag of trouble!"


Quagmire abruptly pulled himself away and stood erect; and in a most dignified tone responded, "NO! You are wrong, sir. Moo Moo is not a, how you say, bag of trouble. No! She is a precious flower in need of the sunshine and the rain. She is a wounded animal crying in the wilderness; calling out for mercy from the pain she's been made to feel. She is a motherless child longing only for the tenderest touch."


Quagmire's homage to Mary was interrupted by loud moaning coming from across the parking lot. They looked over just in time to watch an incoherent Mary throw up all over one of the emergency techs as they loaded her into the ambulance.


Not missing a beat, Quagmire looked back to Sky and continued, "She is the most delicate and fine china which has been abused and used in the most common of ways. She is a jewel of great beauty that has been trampled underfoot. She is . . . "


"Alright, alright. I get it, I get it! You're crazy about her," Sky said, rolling his eyes.


Quagmire put his cupped hand up to his ear and asked, "Did you hear that?"


"Hear what?" Sky replied.


"Shhh!"


Quagmire walked to the driver's side door and opened it.


"Oh. It's my cellphone. It's beeping. I must have a message," he announced as he reached in and grabbed his phone off the dashboard.


"Whatever," Sky mumbled as he opened the back door of the limousine and climbed in next to Trixie who was still sleeping.


As he slipped his arm around her and pulled her close to him she awoke and smiled.


"Hey, sleepyhead," Sky whispered as he kissed her forehead.


"Hey, handsome," Trixie replied as she snuggled into his chest.


Outside, Quagmire listened to the angry, violent message that Mayhem had left on his phone.


"Dumbass," he mumbled as he pushed "7" to erase it and then, going to his contact list, he scrolled down to "Master" and pushed "Send."


With Haywire at the wheel, the Mercedes limousine carrying Mayhem was racing south along Pacific Coast Highway. In back, Mayhem was blasting "Born To Be Wild" and playing air guitar as Quagmire's call came through. With the music so loud he was unable to hear the phone ring.


As Mayhem's voicemail prompted Quagmire to leave a message, he left the following:

"This is Quagmire, Master. I'm returning your call. Judging by the sound of it, you were not happy when you left your message. Let me start by reminding you of what day it is. It's Wednesday . . . Wednesday. Now, do you remember last week when I told you to mark you calendar for Tuesday, which was yesterday? Do you remember what I told you about Tuesday? If not, let me refresh your memory. I told you last week to make sure and not forget that Tuesday was Mary's birthday, remember? And you know how she is about her birthday. Well, it's now Wednesday and you've forgotten her birthday. This is why she's gone off the deep end and not kept to your original plan. Call me when you get this message."

In back of the limousine, Sky and Trixie continued to make small talk.


"I had the most amazing dream!" Trixie squealed.


"Oh, yeah? What about?" Sky asked.


"I dreamed that you and I were married and celebrating our fiftieth wedding anniversary."


"FIFTIETH?" Sky asked.


"Yeah. Fifty years."


"Oh my gosh. We must've looked pretty old and disgusting!" Sky added.







Trixie laughed.







"No, not really. Actually, we both looked pretty good!"






TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR ANOTHER EXCITING EPISODE OF MY V.I.!


P.S. Yesterday; Tuesday, July 28th was actually Mary Haley's birthday (in real life!). HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MARY!!!