Episode 38

MY V.I.

(a soap opera)

"Tacos! I hate these damn TACOS!," Cindy screamed as she stormed through the kitchen and into Trudy's office.

"What's wrong?" Trudy asked.

"I'm pissed off that I'm here by myself and everybody on the island has decided to come here for these cheap tacos! Where the hell is Mary? The place is packed!" (Wednesday's special at the Village Inn is $2.00 tacos)

"I don't know. I left her a message but she hasn't called me back. Maybe I should try to get a hold of someone else . . . you think?"

Before Cindy could respond Fermin, the busboy, rushed into the office.

"Cindy. The lady at table 10, she says she wants three more tacos; beef, no cheese, to go."

"You've gotta be kidding me!" Cindy yelled as she turned and stomped back into the bar.

"Don't worry. I'll try to find someone to come in!" Trudy called out after her.

Meanwhile, across town . . .

As the ambulance carrying Mary drove away, Quagmire stood next to the limousine waving; while inside the car, Trixie stared longingly into Sky's eyes.

Sky had seen that look before and he knew exactly what it meant.

It was that look that says, "I know we're in the back of a stranger's limo, but I can no longer deny the smoldering passion that is currently rising up inside the private compartment where my petulant passions are presently imprisoned!"

As he tried to figure out the quickest way to get out of his phony Arab garb he heard the screeching of tires and a car roaring to a stop behind them.

"What the hell?" he mumbled as he turned and glanced out the window. From inside the limo he could see that the car behind them was another vintage Mercedes limousine. Suddenly, a man dressed as a clown bounded from the new limo with a gun drawn and began screaming as he approached Quagmire.

(What Quagmire did not realize was that a tracking device, installed on the limo he was driving, had lead Mayhem directly to him.)

"I will kill you on the spot!" Mayhem screamed.

"NO. Master . . No! I can explain!" Quagmire pleaded as he ran and ducked behind the car Sky and Trixie were sitting in.

"What the #%*@?" Sky shouted from inside the car.

"What's going on?" Trixie asked.

"Shut up and get down!" he snapped.

Mayhem ran up to Quagmire who was now down on his knees pleading for his life. He put the gun to his head, and as the old man begged for mercy a shot rang out.

"NO!" Sky yelled as Trixie let out a piercing scream.

Throwing her to the floor of the car, Sky laid over top of her and whispered, "Be quiet!" As he did, she began to wrestle against him.

"What the hell's going on?" she yelled as she tried to push him off of her.

Her voice was different and Sky realized that the switch had happened again . . . Trixie was gone and Michelle was back.

Sky could see the clown who'd just shot Quagmire circling the limousine and peering through the windows so he slapped his hand over her mouth and whispered desperately, "Michelle! It's me, Sky. We're in deep trouble - PLEASE . . . be quiet and do exactly what I say!"

Michelle twisted her head around and looked directly in his eyes. His fear was unmistakeable, and sensing the enormity of the situation, she quit fighting him.

They both watched in abject terror as Mayhem approached the back of the limousine where they lay hidden inside. He put his face up to the tinted passenger side window and attempted to see inside. After a moment, he backed away from the window and turned, and they both breathed a sigh of relief, but as quickly as he'd turned away he swung back around and flung the door open; revealing the two of them as they cowered on the floor of the car.

Sky rolled over on top of Michelle, put up his hands and yelled, "NO, NO! Please . . please don't shoot, don't, don't shoot!"

Mayhem let out a bloodcurdling scream as he leveled the gun at the two of them.

"Oh my god!" Michelle screamed as she closed her eyes.

"No, NO! P-l-e-a-s-e!" Sky yelled.

"It was as if time came to a complete stop," Sky would later recall.

The frightening, peculiar clown stood motionless with the gun pointed at them for what seemed like an eternity, and then tilted his head from side to side as if he were confused. Eventually, he lowered the gun and turned back toward the limousine behind them and called out, "Haywire, come quickly."

Blinded by fear and still on the floor of the limo, Sky and Michelle could hear a car door open and someone walking up to the car they were in.

"Get up front and drive," Mayhem barked to Haywire.

Displaying no emotion over the fact that Mayhem had just killed his father, Haywire did exactly as he was told, and as he got in the driver's seat of the limousine, Mayhem climbed into the back with Sky and Trixie.

Waving the gun at the two of them he said, "Get up, for goodness sake. Have a seat."

Sky and Michelle; stunned to still be alive, glanced at each other and hesitated.

"GET UP!" Mayhem yelled.

Startled, they both climbed up onto the jumpseat.

Mayhem could see that people were gathering and watching at a distance and so he yelled, "Haywire . . DRIVE!"

"Yes, Master," the imbecile replied as he floored the limousine.

Bystanders and potential witnesses jumped out of the way as the mammoth car careened out of the parking lot and roared off down Tustin Ave. toward Pacific Coast Highway.

Sky and Michelle sat frozen as they stared at this freakish clown who now seemed calm and unmoved by what just took place. He sat silent, with the gun in his lap, and looked out the window as if he were sightseeing. Then, suddenly, he raised the gun and pointed it at Michelle.

"SO! What's your name?" he demanded.

Michelle gasped and made the sign of cross.

"M-M-Michelle," she stammered.

Mayhem's eyes widened and he twisted the gun back and forth.

"So . . . M-M-Michelle. I see you're Catholic," he said, mockingly.

Michelle looked down and then back up at him.

"Yes . . yes, sir. I'm Catholic."

As he placed the gun in his lap again, he responded, "Wow! Me too. That's weird. I was raised very Catholic. In fact, I went to an all boys Catholic school. Well, sort of all boys. RuPaul went to my school. I hate that RuPaul!"

Sky tried not to, but he couldn't help but snicker.

Mayhem grabbed the gun and pointed it at him.

"What's so funny, frat boy?" he screamed.

"Nothing," Sky replied as he secretly wondered, 'frat boy . . . where the hell did that come from?'

"No, really. Tell me . . I love a good joke." Mayhem answered.

Sky knew better, but he just couldn't help himself.

"Well. You said you're Catholic, right?" Sky asked.

"Yes," Mayhem responded.

"And, RuPaul went to your school?"

"Yes. Why is that so funny?"

"Well, I was just wondering. Just what school, exactly, did you go to? Our Lady, "Drag" Queen of Angels?" Sky asked with a chuckle.

TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR ANOTHER EXCITING EPISODE OF MY V.I .